Happy Burger
by Kozga Nitt
Summary: A crack fic of what I thought it would be like if the seclusive L were to work at a fast-food restauarant. I may do a bit more later, but for now, this is it.
1. Part 1

(Note - I'm really nervous about this. I'm going to try again with the crack fic. . .but I'm praying in my heart that this next thing hasn't already been made. . .In fact, I'm really doubtful that it will be the case. I came up with this just a few days ago. I kept wondering what it'd be like if L was forced to work at a fast-food restaurant?

Yeah, it'll probably be boring and cheezy, but it's for my own pleasure. Who knows? I may just deleted before anyone has a chance to read it!)

Disclaimers:

Death Note - Not mine

Characters - Not mine

(M'kay. Let's imagine our spaced-out young detective as a, say 19 or 20-year-old, longing for a simple purpose in life. He chose a place called Burger Yakki, known otherwise in America as Happy Burger. Let's see how he fares.)

"So, this is your résumé, Mr. err. . .Lawliet?"

"Call me L, or Ryuuzaki, if you have to call me anything." L sat across from the man at the desk, the man glaring slightly at him for his odd sitting posture. The man shrugged this off as easily as he could, and took another look at his résumé.

"So you claim to be the world's greatest detective."

"Because it's true. . ." The man stole another glare at the young boy, whom scared him slightly now, for all that he had seen in just looking at him, as well as his résumé. Those baggy black eyes. That dark, scraggly hair. His odd habit of placing his thumb in his mouth and chewing on it contently, like a dog chews on a bone. The man cleared his throat, licked his index finger, and turned the page.

"Do you have a driver's license?" "No."

"Medical or life insurance?"

"No."

"Do you even have a social security number? This resimee is so bland. It has nothing in it that I really need to know." L paused, the licked his finger gingerly, and removed it from his mouth.

"Actually, I do have a social security number, but I'm not obliged to give it to you. You could steal my medical records, for all I know." The man slapped his forehead with his palm, and tried to keep his patience with this weird, very stubborn young man.

"Look, err, Ryuuzaki. I'm the owner of Burger Yakki. I'm not a thief. If you think that I am, then you're even crazier than I thought you first were!"

(Well, somehow L gets a job at Happy Burger, and starts out where almost every rookie fast-food employee does. Cashier.)

"Alright, Ryuuzaki. This is your first day out of training. Have you memorized the menu?"

"Yes."

"Have you memorized prices?"

"Yes."

"Have you memorized tax?"

"Doesn't that come automatically when I enter a transaction?"

"D'err. . .testing you, R-Ryuuzaki. Now get to your post."

(Let's see how he fares. Customer Type One - The common consumer.

Average personality: Mainly mellow.

Likes: The price of the food, and basically the food. Not much else.

Dislikes: Waiting too long.

Tends to: Say his order in detail. Such as at MacDonald's. A 1 is a BigMac. A common consumer would say 'A BigMac' instead of 'a 1'.)

A middle-aged man approaches the counter to order his food, glancing at the menu behind L to make sure he has in his head what he wants.

"Welcome to Burger Yakki. How may I serve you?" L greets the man unenthusiastically, picking something from his fingernails.

The man ignores L, focusing mainly on a good lunch.

"I would like a fourth-pound burger with cheese, lettuce, tomatoes and pickles only, and a side order of onion rings, and a cola"

L stares the man in the eye as he is about to punch in his order, but stops.

"Why don't you say it like it's suppose to be said?"

The man raises a brow.

"What do you mean?"

"Just. . .nevermind." L enters the transaction, and and exchanges money with the man.

"Next time, just tell me that you want a 2, no onions, and onion rings, with a cola. It will make life better for the both of us." Ryuuzaki remarks to the man as he turns to leave, hiding a scowl.

(Customer Type Two - the Commoner

Personality: usually sweet-talks the cashier, especially if it's of the opposite sex.

Likes: Quick and easy transactions

Dislikes: Nothing much, really.

Tends to: Assume that the cashier knows what he means.)

A skater boy approaches the counter looking as pretty much nothing behind his sunglasses. He leans against the counter and smiles.

"The usual," he says bluntly.

Ryuuzaki doesn't budge. Only stares at the boy.

"Try again," he muses, almost bitterly.

"Y-You know, those, err. . .burgers!" the boy explains nervously.

Ryuuzaki points upward, toward the menu.

"We have four kinds: Fourth-pound, half-pound, fourth-pound with ham and vegetarian burger. All coming with an array of side orders."

The boy tugs at his collar, trying to read what's up on the menu.

"You've forgotten what your 'usual' is, haven't you?" L mutters. The boy shakes his head violently.

"No way, man! I'm just trying to decide. . ." he gulps, "which side order I want."

After a few moments of the boy staring blankly at the menu, Ryuuzaki punches in something on the cash register.

"How about this? Since you have no memory, nor reading skills, I'll give you a fourth-pound burger with cheese, side order of French fries and a cola."

The boy's face light's up.

"Y-Yeah! That's what I always get!"

(Customer type three - The Bottomless Gut

Personality: Absent-minded. Sometimes talks to nothing.

Likes: Large amounts of food

Dislikes: smaller amounts of food

Tends to: Order a lot of different things)

A rather large man approaches the counter and looks down on Ryuuzaki, money clutched in his hand.

"I want a 4 without mayonnaise, fries and an iced tea."

Ryuuzaki is about to punch in his order, when the man places a hand on his shoulder, shaking him lightly and pointing to the menu.

"Ooh, and do you still have chocolate ice cream?" Ryuuzake hides a glare.

"Yes, sir."

"I want a large chocolate ice cream. Then I want four apple bars, y'know, those little apple pies in the shape of a bar? Then I want a 20-piece chicken nugget meal with onion rings, but no drink. Oh, and could you make that iced tea a large? Then I want a, no. . .I want a cookie dough milkshake, large, and another set of French fries, so I can dip them in it. Oh, but please don't salt the fries. I'm not allowed to have a lot of salt. Then I want a--"

"Sir?"

"Yeah?"

Ryuuzaki glares at the man in front of him, not having punched any of his order. Others behind the counter are beginning to gather, looking at Ryuuzaki to see how he responds.

"Why not have a small side salad and an iced water?" Ryuuzaki muses, plead in his eyes.

(Lunch Break.)

Ryuuzaki reaches into his bag lunch, sighing a breath of relief, as he pulls from the bag a slice of cheesecake and two chocolate sprinkle donuts. He smiles to himself as he plunges his fork into the cake, taking a hungry bite of it. As he finally begins to relax, a small boy comes up to him, looking curiously at his cake.

"Hey mister! Is that stuff on the menu?"

"No, it isn't. This is my lunch."

"Okay. Hey, well. . .can I have some?"

Ryuuzaki pauses as he turns to the boy.

"No."

(Note - Well, L goes back to work. I have three other ideas in mind for the customer types, but I'll need your permission. Let me know if you want me to post them up here, so I can decide whether or not you like the random crack-ish idea.

Thanks for reading, by the way.)


	2. Part 2

(Note - Okay, it seems that some of you liked it, and that no-one has yelled at me yet for plagiarizing. So I'll give you the other three types of customers that I had thought up. Thanks for reading so far, and here's your reward! Hope you like it!)

"Ryuuzaki, lunch break is over! Get back to the register!"

L lidded his eyes and frowned, having just finished his lunch. He didn't even have any time to let the cake and donuts settle comfortably into his stomach. He would have to ask his boss later for a longer lunch break. His sweets meant the most to him at this moment. He stood from the table he was eating at and popped the spiked part of his fork into his mouth, licking any excess icing on it from the cake, and threw his plate and bag away, trudging softly back behind the counter, his fork dangling from his lips.

(Customer type four - The forgetful Mother ((Usually female))

Personality: scatter-brained and somewhat stressed.

Likes: Simple prices

Dislikes: Interruption during her transaction

Tends to: Pay more attention to the meal alone than to the meal's price)

A middle-aged woman approaches the counter, her hair messily pulled back into a bun, bags noticeable under her eyes, her face smudged slightly with too much or too little make-up. With her cabooses five young children.

"Welcome to Burger Yakki. . .how my I help you?" Ryuuzaki says, examining each of the woman's children.

"I'd like five chicken nugget children's meals, please, and--" The woman turns as one of her children tugs at the hem of her shirt.

"Mommy, I wanted a cheeseburger!" the boy complains. The mother sighs.

"Okay, make that _four_ chicken nugget children's meals, and one cheeseburger children's meal, all with fries, and five colas." Ryuuzaki pauses, having punched in the children's orders.

"Are you not going to feed yourself, ma'am?" he asks bluntly. The woman's eyes widen slightly, and glances up at the menu.

"I'll just have a cheeseburger and a small cola." Ryuuzaki punches in the woman's order, adds tax, and looks up at her.

"35.38," Ryuuzaki responds, placing a hand on the counter to take her money. The woman just looks at him.

". . .It's what?"

"Your total is 35.38, ma'am." The woman continues to stare at him.

"There. . .there must be some mistake--"

"You ordered five children's meals. That's 5.99 each. The children's meal consists of meat, a side order and a novelty toy. Your order was 1.98. Adding tax, your total is 35.38." The woman looks into her purse, a frown tugging at her lips.

"You don't have enough money to pay for your meal, do you?" Ryuuzaki mutters.

"W-Well, I can just start over, and I can get to my budget then, can't--" Ryuuzaki stands up straight and points lazily toward the door.

"Don't bother. Why don't you go home and make them each a sandwich? Oh, and while you're at it, don't ever have sex again. It's amazing what having excessive numbers of children can do to your financial health."

(XD

Okay, customer type five - The Vegetarian

Personality: Very picky, and very precise.

Likes: No meat in their meal

Dislikes: Lack of cooperation from the staff

Tends to: Make their order very difficult.)

Ryuuzaki notices a young girl approach the counter, looking thoroughly over the the menu.

"Welcome to Burger Yakki. What'll it be?" Ryuuzaki muses, staring at the monitor of his cash register.

"I'll have a half-pounder with cheese, hold the meat, lettuce, tomato, onions and condiments, and a medium cola." Ryuuzaki hesitates making sure that what she had just said to him was true.

"So. . .you just want cheese, and a bun?" Ryuuzaki asks, raising a brow.

"Yes."

"And no side order?"

"No. You people fry your side orders in the same grease that you fry your fish filets. I know. I've studied this place." Ryuuzaki knits his brow and continues to stare at the monitor.

"Why don't you just get a vegetarian burger if you're not going to eat the meat on a double-pounder. And why even say double-pounder? Do you want two slices of cheese?"

"Eew, no! Those vegetarian burgers claim to be made of tofu, but I know that they're just processed and food-colored meat."

"Oh, yes. I remember now, you studied this place. You don't have a life, do you?" Ryuuzaki punched in her order, and turned to his fellow employees.

"She wants a slice of cheese on a bun," he says to them, and few of them muffle their own chuckles under their breath. Ryuuzaki draws her soda from the fountain and puts a lid on it, handing to her.

"I'll bet a cow slobbered on that cup before they packaged and transferred it to this restaurant."

(Last, but certainly not least, is customer type six - Mr. Irate

Personality: Well, irate.

Likes: Taking how his short temper on other people

Dislikes: People getting his order wrong.

Tends to: accuse restaurant for lack of good service.)

A man approaches the counter, staring at his watch and almost bumping into the counter. He glances up at the menu, then eyes Ryuuzaki critically.

"Number 3. No cheese, lettuce or onions. Replace the fries with a side salad. Make it snappy."

L lazily punches in the man's order, and it appears up on the screen of pick-up orders. The man looks at his watch again, and taps his fingers on the counter.

"In a hurry, are we, sir?" L asks the man, almost teasingly.

"I have thirty minutes before I need to be back at work, of course I'm in a hurry!" L pushes a bag toward him as one of the employees places it on the counter.

"Here's your meal, sir, have a nice day."

"I wanted to eat here."

"You didn't specify," L shoots back, sighing, and placing a tray underneath the bag. "Here." The man swipes the tray and goes briskly to the nearest table.

L hears a few of his employees chuckling in the back. He turns to ask what's so funny.

"The guy wanted a side salad, right?" L nods. "I wanna see his reaction when we stick fries in there instead of a salad." L stares at the man as he empties his bag onto the tray and examines the food. He raises his hands to begin to unwrap his burger, when he pauses. He stands abruptly from the table and marches up to the counter, gritting his teeth.

"What's the big idea, smart-elek?" he shouts at L. "You directly, _directly_ heard me say that I wanted a side salad, did you not?" L only stares at the man.

"I got fries! Fries! _Fries!_ How can I enjoy a meal during my lunch break when you clowns slack off and give me the wrong order! Now I can't eat it! In fact, I want to speak to your manager right now!" L pauses, then looks over his shoulder.

"Boss," he calls behind the kitchen. A door opens, and the man who hired L walks to his side, eying him suspiciously.

"What seems to be the problem, L?" the man asks him.

"Your employment is slack. I asked for a side salad and got fries. I have only twenty-five minutes until I'm due back at work, and I don't want to have wasted money on something I didn't want."

"Well, L, what do you have to say for yourself?" the man turns to L. L lets his face sink into a depressed frown.

"Oh, most certainly, sir. I agree 93 on your judgement, but that wasn't even the worst part!"

"What could be worse!? I ask you!" L gave the man a slight look, still frowning.

"Sir, you just socially assaulted me!"

XD

(Note - I couldn't really imagine L working for more than five days in the fast-food business. I could see him quitting almost immediately after, and going to his bed to curl up into a little ball and thoroughly think over what a sudden change of scenery that would have been. But in all honesty, my beliefs are than L would be forced to act no differently than he acts around Raito or the Police Force. Direct, stubborn, and all-knowing. Which he is all. Thanks for reading, and I hope you've enjoyed!)

OUT

-Kozga Nitt


End file.
